


Asylum

by unwittingcatalyst



Series: Season Three Missing Scenes [3]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Post-Episode: s03e10 Daddy Darhkest, Zari Tomaz Week, Zari Tomaz Week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-07-07 04:02:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15900495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwittingcatalyst/pseuds/unwittingcatalyst
Summary: In the days after she met young Nora Darhk, Zari found herself drifting into a closed-in space inside of herself, waking already on edge with little sense of having gotten real rest and with heavy darkness pushing her down into cramped spaces.  Sometimes, she turned a corner in a corridor on the ship only to find her heart suddenly pounding, her head dizzy, her feet unsteady on the metal floor.Maybe it was seeing the inside of a mental institution only a decade or so removed from her own time spent in a similar place.  Maybe it was the despair in Nora Darhk's eyes, or the knowledge that the girl had spent two more decades institutionalized and preyed upon by a monster before they met her and she tried to kill them.  Maybe it was even the moment Zari had been about to be skewered with glass shards by the demon inside the girl, though that moment had been over before Zari had been able to begin to feel anything but numb disbelief.But now, now she felt the panic, but not at that, so much.  As though being wheeled around that asylum had unlocked something in her, Zari was feeling terrors she'd shut away for years.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Much gratitude to my beta-readers for this story: Sophie ([timetravelingpalmer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetravelingpalmer)), Stacey ([by_heart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/by_heart)), and Hans ([purpleyin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleyin)).

Zari and Ray stood, stunned, as Nora left with her father to go back to the mental asylum, hopelessness in her eyes. Zari felt an emotional gut punch from seeing that, and glancing at the shocked and troubled expression on Ray’s face, she knew he didn’t feel much different.

Ray spoke first, regarding her with worried eyes. “None of that glass got you, did it?”

It took Zari a moment to even remember what he was talking about—right, the demon had almost killed her with the sharp shards now littering the floor of the destroyed coffeehouse. “Uh, I’m fine.” It was true—not a scratch. “But—wait a minute, Mallus threw you against that wall—“

Ray looked confused for a moment, and then a dismissive look crossed his face. “Just some bruises—Gideon’ll take care of it.”

“We should get back to the ship,” she said then, and Ray completely agreed.

They were both quiet, subdued, as they did so, but something twisted inside Zari. It was wrong, what they’d seen.

*  
In the days after she met young Nora Darhk, Zari found herself drifting into a closed-in space inside of herself, waking already on edge with little sense of having gotten real rest and with heavy darkness pushing her down into cramped spaces. Sometimes, she turned a corner in a corridor on the ship only to find her heart suddenly pounding, her head dizzy, her feet unsteady on the metal floor.

Maybe it was seeing the inside of a mental institution only a decade or so removed from her own time spent in a similar place. Maybe it was the despair in Nora Darhk's eyes, or the knowledge that the girl had spent two more decades institutionalized and preyed upon by a monster before they met her and she tried to kill them. Maybe it was even the moment Zari had been about to be skewered with glass shards by the demon inside the girl, though that moment had been over before Zari had been able to begin to feel anything but numb disbelief.

But now, now she felt the panic, but not at that, so much. As though being wheeled around that asylum had unlocked something in her, Zari was feeling terrors she'd shut away for years.

*  
She felt desperate enough, after bad sleep and feeling scared and empty all the time, to try having a conversation with Mick, even. She sat down in the galley as he ate a chicken sandwich for lunch. She had no food herself--wasn't hungry, which was weird enough.

She asked him how his day was, and he gave her a disbelieving look, mouth still full from the sandwich. 

Later:

"You've been in prison, right?"

"Yeah," he said, in an "are you an idiot" kind of way. (A slightly more emphatic "are you an idiot?" than his default tone.)

"What was it like? I mean, how'd you keep it from making you crazy?" Zari knew there was a tinge of desperation in her voice. She hoped he’d say something that would give her some sort of map to deal with the increasing chaos inside her. 

He looked puzzled at this--genuinely considering her words--then his face became decisive. "Didn't. Already was."

"But--"

"Mostly it was boring, except the fights. Sometimes they made it more fun than the outside was."

*  
She hung out with Nate in the library as he researched something enthusiastically--she asked him what it was, and then let his words--friendly, harmless, boring--wash over her.

*  
She watched Sara train in the dark gray cargo bay, witnessed Sara’s precision and power, and felt a sense of safety creep into her at the idea that this person was their leader and their defender.

*  
She found Ray working in the lab and sat nearby.

*  
She hid in plain sight, hid everything she was feeling from her friends. If only she could do the same for herself, but that wasn’t working. She pretended to fiddle with her code. Desolation and dread and loud voices and a dirty room (cell) and distant screaming in the night and the orderlies’ (guard’s) derisive laughter--all of it was inside her again. If she didn’t let it out, didn’t speak it, it wasn’t real. That was how it worked, right?

*  
Mick to Ray: "Something's up with the new girl. She's being weird."

*  
Zari wished Jax were there, wanted to beat him at his favorite game again, (She’d told him he couldn’t leave, he had to do her chores, and now she’d have to con Ray into doing them, which, Jax had pointed out, would not be hard to do, and she’d grudgingly agreed he was right.) She thought maybe she could have told Jax what happened, not looking him in the eye, as they played. Maybe. She can’t imagine telling anyone else—it would make it too real.


	2. Chapter 2

Sitting with Ray helped, but not when he tried to talk with her. She knew he wasn’t OK, either, after all that with Nora Darhk—she’s seen the anguished empathy and guilt in his eyes as her dad had hauled her away—but it would’ve been fine, maybe, if he’d just talked about his own stuff. But no. This was Ray, and he had that curious concerned look and he started to ask general, vague questions but she could see where he was headed from miles away. And just, no. She couldn’t talk about this.

She walked away. Several times.

*  
Zari woke with a scream in her throat at 4 a.m. ship’s time and with a desperate desire not to be alone.

She thought of the people on the ship, thought of who she could wake up, and put on slippers and a robe and walked straight to Ray’s door.

In other circumstances, he wouldn’t be her first choice, but--

He was the only person she trusted completely not to be irritable or upset at her for waking them up so early—that was just not a thing she could cope with, right now. He’d never hold it against her or tease her about it,

Though, she had to admit, there was more to it than that. The others--most of them--wouldn’t tease her either, not really. But Ray had already seen her broken apart, and he’d never thought any less of her afterwards--indeed, he had this exasperating tendency to look at her with this admiring light in his eyes, no matter what she said or did.

Besides, there was no question she’d feel safer with him there—and she needed so much to feel safe right now.

She knew she presented a pitiful figure, huddled in her robe. She was still shaking inside from the echoes of the nightmare she didn’t remember, as she knocked urgently at the door. The loudness of her own knocking rattled her, and she felt her heart rate increase.

The door opened and Ray appeared, sleepy-eyed, and then his eyes widened in worry as he saw her. “Z?”

She didn’t know what to say—didn’t know if she could talk about it—just stared at him pleadingly, willing her heartbeat to slow (it didn’t cooperate).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for not posting this sooner--so much life stuff happening, that's now much better. 
> 
> I have a few more scribbles on this one, so I might open it up again and continue it, but this seems a good stopping place for now at least.
> 
> Thanks to my faithful betas Hans and Stacey, and to my friend Mandy who wanted more.

Ray was speaking with careful gentleness, sitting next to her on the soft bench as she curled inwards. “You were in a place like that too.”

She glared accusingly at him. She needed to be here, but still didn’t want to talk.

But Ray was gently persistent. “What you said when we were in the psychiatric hospital—Nora’s asylum—you know about those places.”

Tired, Zari gave in a bit. “Yeah. It wasn’t—pleasant. I was older than her—17—and—“ she stopped. She felt a buzzing warm anxiety in her neck and chest just at saying this much. “I can’t talk about this,” she choked out.

“It’s OK.” He looked at her with great seriousness. The calm gentleness of his voice soothed her as much as the actual words did. “If you ever want to talk about it—in a year or ten, or ten minutes from now, I’m here. And if you never want to—that’s fine too. I’m still here.”

It would’ve been nice if he could have left it at that, but this was Ray, so after a bit, out of nervousness or a determination to help, or maybe both, he continued talking.

“And—you might find some others who’d get it—Mick’s had some pretty bad experiences—“

She laughed harshly. “He said prison was boring, except for the fights.”

“Yeah, that probably wasn’t the worst—being captured by the Time Masters was what really hurt him. He probably won’t want to talk about that—but with you, who knows.”

Ray clearly wanted her to know all the ways people here could help. She knew these things already, of course. The quiet hope in Ray’s voice was, for a moment, oddly not irritating. Or maybe she was too tired to complain about it.

“And then Sara—she’s dealt with some difficult things. The League of Assassins might have been a place she chose, but they aren’t—healthy, in addition to, you know, being murderers. And--she joined them to get away from--even worse.” He paused, fortified maybe by her lack of protesting snark. “And Gideon might be able to help—even if she doesn’t know about your dreams, because you asked her not to, she knows some treatments—she helped Mick out a lot after Chronos, and still does—“

“Shut up,” she snapped. After a moment, she spoke again, managing to be more civil. “Just, please stop talking.” She moaned. “I can’t—it’s—“ He waited. She admitted with defeat, “I just need to sleep. But sleep isn’t safe.”

He didn’t speak. 

“I’m sorry. You’re the last person I should yell at.”

There was a warm hand on her back, and though he still stayed quiet, she felt his forgiveness or acceptance or patience or whatever it was—everything she didn’t have.

*  
Ray felt a bit like crying. Zari’s frantic fear had finally calmed—he’d been able to tell because of the way she’d stopped clutching his hand desperately, and instead had leaned against his shoulder wearily. He’d gotten comfortable, seeing where this was headed, and in fact soon after she’d grown still. Exhausted. Asleep.

He felt overwhelmed with the honor of it, that she trusted him with this. She didn’t have to tell him any details—and had mentioned almost none—for him to know it’d been something awful that had never left her. He understood that kind of thing well enough. But she—she had the bravery to admit it, to seek help, to trust. He’d mostly not quite managed that himself. Though he could never be to her what her loved ones had been, that she trusted him enough for this was a great gift. He remembered the wise and kind woman he’d met once in his childhood, and it was no longer strange to know that she had been the person, full of heart and courage, who slept now on his shoulder. _Sister,_ he thought but would never speak to her, with a strange, shaky emotion.

Though awake now, he knew his own tiredness would be catching up with him soon--he’d put in a few too many late nights in the lab recently. He shifted his position leaning against the wall so that when he slumped in sleep he wouldn’t disturb her rest or squish her. He was glad that if her sleep became restless he’d know instantly and could be there to help.

*  
Zari woke up to find herself with a pillow under her head, bundled in a blanket, with Ray sittling on the floor in front of the soft bench she’d been sleeping on, project materials around him. He was somehow managing to sleep, awkward as hell, with his head on the edge of the bench.

The heavy dread was still inside her, but waking here, to find her friend looking faintly ridiculous, was strange and good. Ray existed in a different world entirely than the terror-filled one that lived in her, and his presence chased that world away, for now.

She also still felt sleepy, and so curled back up and let herself succumb to that. Fancifully, she imagined Ray, one hand still holding the tablet he’d been taking notes on, as her guardian against the awful memories that came to her in her dreams. That’s what her mom had said she’d be, all those years ago, with deliberately comical fierceness. It hasn’t always worked, but knowing her mom was there when she woke had helped her rebuild her sense of safety, slowly, steadily.

And she’d had others then too, family and friends, who’d held with that building. She had that now too, a shipful of them. She thought of this as she dropped off again.


End file.
